He had not failed me

     The night before I flew out to Utah to attend BYU, I had a moment of panic. I had just said goodbye to the last of my friends. My room was all packed up. The pictures of all of my friends that are typically hanging on my wall were packed away in a suitcase so I could bring them here. I was so scared. I turned to one of my goods friends, Jesse, and sent him the following texts: "Okay but what if I'm not good enough?" "What if I'm not smart enough and I fail my classes?" "What if I'm not social enough and I don't make any good friends?" "What if this was all a huge mistake and I should be staying home?" I was quite honestly scared out of my mind. I was in tears, convinced that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. How could I leave my friends and my family like this? Up until this point I had been so excited to leave, so why was I now panicking? 

     It took me a few weeks to answer both those questions, but I eventually found answers. After a few weeks in Utah, I am convinced this is not the biggest mistake of my life. So far, I have not failed any of my classes (but I suppose that is still subject to change since it has only been two weeks), I have made friends who are all amazing, and as much as I miss home, I know this is where I am supposed to be.
     As a part of my religion class, we were assigned a semester long project that will help us draw closer to the Lord and will help broaden our knowledge. The project I chose is to study an hour's worth of General Conference talks every week, and to keep a journal. So this past week, I was scrolling through General Conference talks, looking for a talk that might stick out to me. Today, I ended up with a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (because let's face it, he's amazing). Within the first few paragraphs of his talk "Learn from Alma and Amulek", President Uchtdorf talks about how Alma "humbly, earnestly placed his trust in Christ's atoning power."
     It was that moment when I realized why I had panicked so much the night before I left. I had put my trust in myself, alone. I had not put trust in Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ, and because I had failed to do so, Satan took his hold on me. He tried to convince me that I was doing was wrong, and that I was making a huge mistake. In a speech given at BYU in 2001, Elder David A. Bednar said

       "Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient and worthy and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. I frankly do not think many of us “get it” concerning this enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement, and I wonder if we mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.
       Brothers and sisters, the gospel of the Savior is not simply about avoiding bad in our lives; it also is essentially about doing and becoming good. And the Atonement provides help for us to overcome and avoid bad and to do and become good. There is help from the Savior for the entire journey of life—from bad to good to better and to change our very nature."

     I had not placed my trust in Christ's atoning sacrifice, that I can grow and better myself and learn how to serve more faithfully through this experience at BYU. I had believed that I had to do it alone, and because of this weakness, I was vulnerable to the adversary. But as said at the end of President Uchtdorf's talk, "Our beloved Savior knows where you are. He knows your heart. He wants to rescue you. He will reach out to you. Just open your heart to him."
      I know that the Lord knew what I needed when I arrived at BYU. I have been blessed with two amazing roommates, who never fail to make me feel at home and involved. My professors are entertaining and lively, and keep even boring subjects entertaining. I have been blessed with modern technology that I can easily keep in touch with my family and friends. Though I had failed to place my trust in Christ and His power, He had not failed me. And He never will.